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> Suicide, don't worry this isn't a suicide piece
TotallyMari
post Mar 7 2016, 03:10 AM
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Okay rewriting this post.
This will be a story containing mystery, romance, comedy, sadness, and anything else i want it to have.
The story will have a higher story arc while going through stuff like school, Whoop missions, and lots and lots of shipping.
I feel like there are still some flaws with my writing style that might persist until I naturally improve with practice (this is really my first attempt at something like this) so if anything feels out of place feel free to leave me some suggestions and other types of criticism. Do you like something? Do you not like something and want it changed? Do you hate the entire thing? Any criticism is welcome.
Future ships will include TaraXClover, SamXMandy, and really I have nothing else planned.
Ages will progress under the idea that season 1 takes place in Freshman year and each season onward rises up a year.
I hope you enjoy this series because I'm having fun writing it so far. If this chapter is too long just tell me and I'll try and write shorter chapters form here on out.
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Ghidra
post Mar 8 2016, 01:12 AM
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Very good! Looks very promising based on the introduction. I think though you should split the text into more paragraphs. There's also a couple run-on sentences in the first half. But overall, I like the way you write, and I want to read more!




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TotallyMari
post Mar 27 2016, 01:22 AM
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Favorite Game: Nights of Azure



New upload and stuff. Longer, gadgetier, and with some shipping because I have a horrible horrible addiction to yuri.
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TB74
post Mar 27 2016, 07:23 PM
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Started reading... I'll tell you more when I'm done. Could take a bit, for I'll be going through a month of exams until the end of the semester.

So far I agree with Ghidra that your work would be more pleasant to read if it was structured in a more efficient way, that is, if it was split into more paragraphs. It feels a bit unnatural the way it is right now, and this can easily push the reader "away from the story". A more efficient structure would pull the reader "into the story" instead.




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Ghidra
post Mar 29 2016, 10:31 PM
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I don't know when I'm going to have time to read this. Maybe by Thursday (tomorrow is my birthday lol). Do you want me to help you edit it into better paragraph structure? I could do that for one chapter if you take some of the pointers from it.




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Ghidra
post Apr 4 2016, 03:20 AM
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Hopefully, I can start reading this in a couple days. Don't know if I'll have time until then.




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Ghidra
post Apr 8 2016, 07:43 AM
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Okay, I converted the chapter to a word document. Going to try to do an edited version for you and then upload it.




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Ghidra
post Apr 11 2016, 02:28 AM
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Okay, here's my edit of Chapter 1 with grammar corrections and paragraph breaks:

PDF file:
Attached File  Sugar_Spies_and_everything_nice__I_gave_up_on_this_chapter_title.__Ghidra_Edit_.pdf ( 85.07K ) Number of downloads: 39

RTF file (will open in Word):
Attached File  Sugar_Spies_and_everything_nice__I_gave_up_on_this_chapter_title.__Ghidra_Edit_.rtf ( 255.85K ) Number of downloads: 22


Overall, I really enjoyed reading this! I think you are excellent at writing dialogue and 1st person POV with the characters! It was really fun to read, and I liked all the little jokes and the more steamy parts too. Everything was great! Looking forward to more.

As for my edit, my goal was just to go through and correct the grammatical errors to and put it in a more readable shape. Here's some things you need to work on for the next chapter:

1. You need paragraph breaks. A wall of text is always bad. Try to break it up a lot more like I did in my edit.

2. Each time the speaker changes, there has to be a paragraph change.

3. You use run-on sentences. I think maybe you think this is okay due to it being 1st person, but it isn't. You can't separate sentences with just a comma. You either need a sentence break or to use and or but after a comma.

4. Punctuation goes inside quote tags, not outside them.

5. He or she should be lower case when placed after dialogue to show who is speaking. Also, you should put a comma before the last dialogue tag if you follow up by noting the speaker unless you use question marks or exclamation marks (examples show below).

6. Blond refers to males with blond hair. Blonde (with an e at the end) refers to females with blonde hair.

7. WOOHP is spelled WOOHP, which stands for World Organization of Human Protection. It should also be capitalized, because it's an acronym.

8. Characters' names should be surrounded by commas when they are being addressed in dialogue.

9. ing words need commas before them when not directly connected to the current sentence and placed at the end. This is kind of an obscure rule that confuses people. I'll put an example below.

10. Quotes inside a quote use single quotation marks, not double quotation marks (example below).

I think that's most of it, unless I forgot to mention something.

Here are some extra examples of how to use some of the rules above:

"I'm sure Clover won't mind if I put on her panties," Tara said sneakily as she slipped them on.

Clover suddenly walked into the laundry room and was furious at what she saw. "Tara, why are you wearing my panties?!" the blonde screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Uh, Clover, I just needed to borrow a pair! Honest!" Tara said, sweating profusely. "They're a clean pair! I just got them out of the dryer!"

"I don't care if they're clean! Take them off right now!"

In the next room, Sam and Alex were trying to study. However, the noise of the two girls' screaming was interrupting their concentration. "What are they fighting about?" Alex asked Sam.

"I think I heard Clover scream, 'Tara, why are you wearing my panties?' " Sam answered nervously.

"I guess maybe she needs to do her laundry!" Alex chirped innocently.

Sam rolled her eyes at Alex's naivete. Suddenly, the two girls saw Tara run in front of them bottomless, and Clover ran close behind, holding a pair of panties in her fist. "I'm going to choke you with them, you pervert!" she shrieked.




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TotallyMari
post Apr 11 2016, 09:38 PM
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Favorite Game: Nights of Azure



Thanks again Ghidra for editing it.




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jettmanas
post Apr 12 2016, 05:09 AM
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QUOTE (TotallyMari @ Apr 11 2016, 02:38 PM) *
Thanks again Ghidra for editing it.


Hey, a fellow somewhat new member. That was the first fanfic I've read & besides of some cursing (personal preference), I really enjoyed it.
POV stuff was cool. Thanks for sharing that.




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TotallyMari
post Apr 13 2016, 07:35 PM
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Lackey
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Favorite Comic: Spider Man/Spider Verse
Favorite Movie: Deadpool
Favorite Book: The Young Elites Book Series
Favorite Game: Nights of Azure



QUOTE (jettmanas @ Apr 12 2016, 12:09 AM) *
QUOTE (TotallyMari @ Apr 11 2016, 02:38 PM) *
Thanks again Ghidra for editing it.


Hey, a fellow somewhat new member. That was the first fanfic I've read & besides of some cursing (personal preference), I really enjoyed it.
POV stuff was cool. Thanks for sharing that.

Hey thanks man, that's really cool to hear. I will probably keep the cussing in it because I just sort of like it but if it get's to be a distraction i'll try and tone it down.




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Ghidra
post Apr 14 2016, 09:37 AM
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I liked the swearing. It gave it a slightly more adult-ish edge I think.




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